Journal 6 - Dinner fiasco

There were a few absences at the banquet.  Banquo, as well as Macduff, were not present.  Macduff is loyal and just.  He would be a great ally however, where his loyalties lie is still a mystery.  Banquo was loyal to the previous king.  Does he support Macbeth now? Or does he seek the crown that will be given to his children, as the weird sisters foretold?  Banquo had never had ambitions to become king.  He knew his status and his limits.  Never would he have dared to undermine his lord for his own advancement. 

Macbeth did not desire to be king, but with my help, he became what he thought he never could be.  He was a puppet; he was obedient and easily manipulated.  Neither Banquo nor Macbeth would have ever had the guts to try if they were alone.  Banquo has seen the success Macbeth has had in fulfilling the prophecies.  Will he attempt to have the same for himself?  It is difficult for me to imagine Banquo doing so, just as it is difficult for some to imagine Macbeth committing treason.

Macbeth was loyal to me, as I to him, but he has changed.  Now he has a mind of his own.  His mind is devious and it knows not the difference between reality and fantasy.  For a time it was what I desired of him, but now it worries me that my husband no longer shares his plans with me.

I wonder what could have terrified him so at the banquet.  What did he do that could haunt him day and night?  Madness seems to have consumed him.  Banquo was not present, yet Macbeth repeatedly claimed otherwise.  So much is at stake – respect, loyalty, power – all that we’ve worked for could be gone in a moment.  All because Macbeth cannot keep his imagination from going wild, and in turn, his mouth.

I am weary.  Things were never meant to become so complicated.  Duncan would die, someone else would be blamed and then we would be king and queen.  No one else was supposed to die.  There would have been those who had supported the king who believed that he was killed by Macbeth and not Malcom or Donalbain.  Peaceful means were possible to keep them quiet rather than killing them.  Bribery, blackmail, even torture could have had them hiding their own opinions.  Now it is too late to do so, their mouths are shut forever.  There is more blood on my hands than ever.  When will my hands be clean again?